Turning 40, part 2:

David’s perspective (a special guest edition)

“Don’t wait until you’re 55 to let people know who you really are.” – A family friend

4-year-old David

This week, you get to hear from my editor-in-chief and series regular in this newsletter; the one I get to call “old man” for two months before I join him in the 40s camp. When a few friends suggested a guest post with David’s take on 40, I jumped at the idea.

Then I read what he wrote and said, “wow, you are going there.” Milestone birthdays are not only about hoopla and celebration. They also can raise quiet questions about who we’ve been and who we want to be. But these questions are often reserved for behind closed doors. We may talk about them with ourselves, or with one or two people. In this essay, David cracks open that door and lets all of you in on a conversation we’ve been having—one that shows how a big birthday can be as much about opportunity to become new shades of ourselves as about celebration.  

From David:

For so much of my life, I’ve tried hard to fit in to be accepted, which often meant not showing up as I really was. I was the 10-year-old who wanted to talk to my friends in class when we were supposed to listen to the teacher, and I spent a lot of time out in the hall because of that. And I was the 6-year-old who tiptoed downstairs when my mom was stressed out studying for the bar exam to give her a silent kiss on the cheek. As I grew up, I learned to tamp down my excitement energy, and caring. I replaced it with a subdued version of myself that could sometimes looked aloof or callous. I still can look that way when I’m feeling scared or insecure.

As 40 approached this year, I was worried that I haven’t been showing up as my full self to folks in Denver, to the point that I didn’t even want toasts on my birthday(!) because I predicted that nobody would know me as I wanted to be known.

Logan helped break that belief by giving me probably the most meaningful present I’ve ever received: a collection of reflections from others on who I am to them or what they saw in me. It’s a wonderful reflection of who I am and how I show up in the world. And, it reminds me how much people prefer me as I am and not as I try to be to fit in.

This gift was the reset I needed. Conversations I had the weekend I turned 40 helped me get a little more courage to show up as myself more often and in scarier circumstances. So I said yes to Logan’s invitation to write an essay here, even though I don’t love writing nearly to the extent that she does. More importantly, after a few false starts, I decided to take this opportunity to say something real.