“Over and over, I find myself encountering students who are, in one way or another, blocked when it comes to telling the truth—about their own experiences, and that of their fictional characters.... I tell them that the only path forward is through mercy. If they write with the intention of understanding, and forgiving, everyone involved, they’re going to travel farther into the truth.” -
in this interview with“The tree grows with no one’s consent, with no one’s applause.” - Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
If you’d asked 15-year-old me what I wanted most in life, I would have said to be understood. Doesn’t every teenager? But no really, I would have said. Other people don't get hurt the way I do. Other people don’t feel this alone in a sea of smiles.
Now, 25 years later, I wouldn’t give the same answer, because I know better—intellectually. Everyone has their own version of this. Everyone feels alone sometimes. My head knows this, 40 years into life: I can’t let my happiness depend on other people. And I can’t control whether other people understand me.
But other people don’t feel alone like this, the 15-year-old inside has been whispering.
I’ve spent the past week very busy having what might look like a grand ol’ time while sitting on a bed of nails. Every time I’ve tried to explain this to someone, I’ve failed.
***
I do not write to be understood. I write because other people’s writing makes me feel less alone, so maybe mine can too.
Translation: I write to be understood.
***
Okay, universe, I said to myself on a long run under a drizzly sky, five days before turning 40. I’m getting the message. Writing to be understood is not a good life plan. Friendship to be understood is not a good life plan either.
I’ll just be needing a better plan from you, if you please. Any time in the next five days will do.
***
The universe did not deliver the epiphany I ordered.
But near the end of the run, I did see a section of a tree branch, woven through a fence, broken on either side.
“Trees grow that way sometimes,” David said. “They grow right through the fence. It’s like they absorb the fence as they grow.”
This reminded us both of Mark Nepo, who says, “The tree grows with no one’s consent, with no one’s applause.” Oh, to be as intrinsically motivated as a tree.
The tree that grew through the fence didn’t care about applause or about obstacles either. Maybe it was hurt by the fence, maybe not. Either way, its branch grew right on through. The place where it met the fence is the last part standing.
***
In the middle of a tree’s life, it is still working very hard to grow. It is seeing more but not all of the light.
***
What good would it have done that tree, asking the fence to understand, please, and go be a fence somewhere else?
“The only path forward is through mercy. If they write with the intention of understanding, and forgiving, everyone involved, they’re going to travel farther into the truth,” Steve Almond said.
If I can write to understand rather than to be understood. If I can wrap my arms around the hurt and grow stronger. If I can write as an act of grace.
If I can live that way too.
Thanks for sharing this thoughts. I was almost crying to read this, being inspired by how to write or express or live. I'm a participants of the Brit's Break the Ground. I appreciated so much that I felt less alone:)
Well this is just crazy. I felt like I was reading everything I’ve been trying to put into words lately. Everything!!!!! I’m sending this to the Break the Ground participants, too. We were talking a lot about this yesterday. The loneliness. The assumptions. The fear of what people will think.
And even the other day, I literally said, “Oh, to be a tree!! Can you imagine being a tree???” I can’t remember what sparked that. But I have a deep connection to those things. They teach us so many lessons!!!
And even this week, thanks to YOUR interview question, I realized that for soooooo long I felt so alone because I felt misunderstood. I was told I was weird and too sensitive. A lot.
Anyway. Just know that this gripped me. As your writing does. Every single time. Keep going.
And HAPPY F*CKING FORTY!!!!!!!!!