"Natural" parents
“You’re such a natural,” I overheard one woman say to another at the grocery store after managing to calm her wailing child in a matter of seconds.
I hear the reverse regularly from those who do not want to be moms or who have ambivalent feelings about being a mom. “I’m just not a natural mother.” “It doesn’t come naturally to me.”
While exploring the motherhood question, becoming a mother never felt either “natural” or “unnatural” to me. Instead, this was one of many places I got stuck. And when I got stuck, I often and unhelpfully resorted to self-analysis, followed closely by self-criticism. (I’ve noticed these tendencies often come as a package deal.)
I like kids, selectively. I loved babysitting when I was younger. Did this make me a natural mother?
On the other hand, I never wanted the identity of a mother. I didn’t feel jealous when friends started to have kids. I felt relieved I didn’t have them. Did this make me an unnatural mother? Would my hypothetical child find me out for the counterfeit, unnatural mother I was?
The idea of being a “natural” seems unhelpful in other places too. My dad’s idea that I was not a natural at ball sports led me to retire from them entirely at the ripe old age of four. It took me 30 years to start entertaining David’s suggestion that I might have gotten a little better at soccer with practice.
True, I wasn’t born with exceptional ball sport prowess. But assessing whether someone is a “natural” isn’t a helpful concept. Grit is a helpful concept. Growth mindset is a helpful concept. Both put the focus on what we can create rather than what we can’t.
When it comes to parenthood, the natural versus unnatural distinction keeps us focused on the unhelpful idea that the parenthood decision is something innate rather than something to be explored.
To pretend that parenthood is innate leaves those of us in the unsure camp with double the dilemma. There’s the dilemma of the question itself. And then there’s the dilemma of others assuming that we should already know the answer because it is supposed to be innate.
Can we decide to let go of the second of these dilemmas with one big, collective shrug?
Join the conversation: Has anyone ever referred to you as a natural or unnatural parent? How did that feel?
I have always been good with children and enjoy being around them, but sometimes I feel when people use the term “natural” it can come across very dismissive. I have spent hours reading books and articles, listening to podcasts, trying new things, sometimes failing, and doing lots of constant reflection. I believe I am a good parent, but not because it’s easy for me or because it comes naturally. I believe I’m a good parent because I work really hard at it. Also I think when society uses “natural” to describe things, it often comes from a narrow point of view (often white, heterosexual, Christian, middle/upper class) that alienates a lot of people.