Interview with Lisa D'Annunzio on the Second Kid Decision

This week I interview Lisa D’Annunzio, Chief Development Officer at Asylum Access, a human rights nonprofit that has a mission of making human rights a reality for refugees globally. Lisa is one of my most purpose-driven friends whose work is aligned with her own beliefs about how she’d like the world to change. She connects genuinely and deeply both with her colleagues and with the people she serves. And she has inspired me in the way she has continued to prioritize her career and her friendships since becoming a parent.

Lisa never doubted whether she wanted to become a mom, but she is now in the question of whether she wants to become a mom of two.

Q. How did you go about deciding to become a mom?

I always knew that I wanted to be one—that was never really a question. It was a question of when I was ready. I decided I was ready after I had found the right partner and found a job that I was secure and happy in.

I had always been terrified of motherhood derailing my career. By my mid-30s, I felt like I had put the time in to my career that I could step away for maternity leave and still feel good coming back.

I also wanted to make sure I had done the things I wanted to do for me. I made sure I did the travel I wanted to do before my life changed drastically.

Q. What were your biggest fears?

One was what was going to happen to my body. I’ve always been very fit, and I didn’t know how my body would change. This was not just about what I looked like, but how I felt. Would I be less strong afterwards?

I also had a fear that parenthood would impact my relationships with my husband and friends. I really enjoyed my life before having a kid. And I know there are plenty of couples whose relationships dissolve after having a kid. Everything in life becomes so much more stressful.

Q. What were the biggest things that drew you to parenthood?

I wanted to become a parent with my husband. I felt that he and I would be really good partners in this. I also thought it would be amazing to see the world through a child’s eyes. I love the curiosity of children, and I felt like I had the perspective to know how to raise a kid who is curious about the world.

Q. You are in another decision-making process now about having a second. How are you thinking about that?

I always thought I wanted a second kid, but now it is so different. It’s exhausting with one. Amazing and beautiful, but exhausting. With one, I can strike a balance between being able to see my friends, doing well at my job, and parenting. At age three, my son is more independent and potty trained. Everything feels easier.

I’m pushing 39, so I feel a lot of time pressure around the question of another baby. We tried to get pregnant for about a year. Then one day I almost had a panic attack, and I talked to my husband. Thankfully, we were on the same page. We are both at important and juicy points in our careers, and we actually don’t know that we want a second kid at all. So we stopped trying.

I rely a lot on my gut and my intuition for really important decisions. I feel like I will know one way or another eventually, and I am not quite there yet.

Q. What would you give up?

Some of the freedom I have right now. I get to see friends frequently. My husband and I get to travel together and independently. With two kids, we’d have another schedule to figure out. Some say the second is easier, but I don’t believe them. The administrative tasks alone! Right now, I have my whole day structured.

I worry that what I would lose is the time for me each day, like my exercise time. That terrifies me. That time is what keeps me sane and happy. 

Q. What would you gain?

I would love to see my son with a sibling. It would be great for him to have that relationship. But we have such a vibrant group of friends with kids, it reduces some of that pressure. I know that if we don’t have another kid, my son will be fine.

Q. You care deeply about social justice. How does that inform your thinking about parenthood?  

I feel a responsibility to raise a child who is aware of institutional racism and bias that our country is built on. I grew up in a pretty privileged bubble. It was my own curiosity that drove me to understand the deep inequities in the world.

I feel particular responsibility as the mom of a white male. I want him to be aware that the institutions in our country were built for him. I don’t want him to feel guilty, but I want him to be active in pushing against bias.

Finding the right balance will be tough because I am an activist. I have a certain bias against men, which I am very honest about. I want my son to be confident in himself, and to still recognize his privilege and push for change. My biggest responsibility and goal is to raise a kid who is aware.