Interview with Alex Davies
I was so excited to speak with my dear friend Alex Davies about her journey to becoming a mother of two young boys. Alex is an executive at an entertainment company and a powerhouse lawyer. She is also the kind of mom who inspires others to want to be moms. She has remained deeply and fully herself; she has continued to prioritize her marriage and friendships; and she is wonderful and real with her boys.
I’ll start with what Alex had to say, and next week, I’ll write my own reflections on our interview.
Q. Were you ever uncertain about wanting to be a parent?
Yes. I was never someone who dreamed as a little girl of becoming a mom. I had friends who did. They loved babies and baby dolls and babysitting. But I am not someone who has always fawned over little kids. I wasn’t sure before having kids if I would innately have a strong maternal instinct.
Q. Before deciding, what were your biggest fears of parenthood?
My fears weren’t all that specific. I wasn’t affirmatively worried about not liking my kid or being a terrible mom. It was more a thought of, “Do I want to fundamentally change a life that I’m happy with?” I knew this was a change I couldn’t turn back from.
Q. What were your biggest fears of not becoming a parent?
Early on, I was afraid of missing out on the experience. Later, when it was taking a while to get pregnant, I worried about whether this was going to happen at all. I started to desperately want to become a mother. I remember one appointment with a fertility doctor—a fill-in doctor who I didn’t connect with—he said that my numbers were so bad, it didn’t make sense to even try IUI that cycle. I left that conversation devastated, feeling that motherhood probably just wouldn’t happen for me. Thankfully my main fertility doctor never made me feel that way. She was wonderful and supportive and pragmatic, and she always made me feel hopeful.
Q. How did you decide to become a parent?
I had been married for a few years before we started talking about it in earnest. My husband definitely wanted kids, which made me think about it more seriously. As we got to our early 30s, I realized I needed to make a decision and took a leap and went off birth control. I still didn’t feel entirely sure either way, but I decided to err on the side of being open to having an experience—one I wouldn’t be able to have otherwise, and one that a lot of people seem to enjoy—and see what fate had in store for us. It wasn’t until months later, when we still weren't pregnant, that I realized how much I wanted to become a parent. In a way, I am really grateful for all of the hard parts of the fertility process, because they helped me see how much I wanted this.
Q. What was the most helpful thing anyone said to you about making the decision?
Someone asked me to think about what decision I was more likely to regret when looking back on my life. For me, that was really clarifying. I decided that I was more likely to regret not becoming a parent than becoming one.
Q. What are the messages you got from society about making the decision?
Our family asked a lot of questions about whether and when it would happen—so some strong messaging there. Although society is more flexible now than it was once, I think the societal ideal is still to have a family.
Q. Who in your life influenced your thinking about parenthood the most and how?
My mom has been a huge influence, she was a very strong parental presence. My parents divorced when I was young and shared custody. My dad was always a wonderful, fun father, and I hope I bring that energy to my parenting. I think my mom probably had an even more profound influence on me. I lived with her more days of the week, and I was her only child, so I got the full focus of her parenting, whereas my dad and stepmom have three kids including me. So many things about my mom’s parenting were amazing—she is incredibly devoted and would do anything for me, and she is the same way today with my kids. But parenthood did not seem easy and calm for her. She had no co-parent with her day-to-day, and I think she had a fair amount of anxiety. (I’m sure my teenage antics didn’t help with her worrying.) I think the different sides of my mom’s experience probably contributed to my initial ambivalence.
Q. What was the most beautiful parenting moment you ever saw? How did that influence your decision-making process?
I had a lot of fun with my parents growing up. They made a point of making things feel special. When I turned eight and wanted to be a marine biologist, my dad rented a turquoise convertible for my birthday, and we did a road trip up the coast to visit the Monterey aquarium. My stepmom was amazing about making holidays, birthdays, all kinds of occasions gorgeous and memorable. That's what initially jumped to mind from my childhood. But interestingly, I think for me as a parent, the most beautiful moments have been the small, quiet, everyday ones. Snuggling at bed time, that moment when your baby falls asleep on your chest, that kind of thing. That level of comfort and security and closeness is the most amazing thing. It is something I have always had with my own mom, and I'm so grateful for those moments with my kids.
Q. Do you have any regrets now about how you went about deciding to have children?
I do feel sad sometimes about not having kids earlier because our parents are getting older. We are that sandwich generation. My parents are still youthful and healthy, thank goodness, but I wish they would have had more time with my kids when they were younger.
On the other hand, I love that so many friends have had kids around the same time as me. Having that community and making that transition together has made it so much fun. And having sounding boards and people to commiserate with and ask for advice has helped so much when hard things come up.