Interview with Nicole Ettenhofer
On making big changes in her 40s to take care of her future self and reclaiming the spunk of her younger self
To kick off my new interview series, I give you the treat of my good friend Nicole Ettenhofer. Nicole is a VP of Marketing who lives in the Denver area with her husband Andrew and two pups. She is a self-directed creative sort who understood marketing from a young age, even creating her own logo for her childhood art (photo evidence below). In this interview, she reflects on big life changes in her 40s, her beautiful and complicated relationship with her grandmother, carving out more time for creativity, and advice her younger self would have for her today.
Q. How would you characterize this phase of your life versus earlier phases?
I’m in my late 40s. There have been two phases of my 40s; one from 40 to 45, and one starting at 45. It was during this later phase that I made a conscious decision to prioritize self-care.
Q. Say more about that choice. I know it’s been a big one for you.
I decided I wanted to have a good-quality life in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. This is really about preparing for my third third of life and taking care of my body now so I can have a high-quality life later. This means being more kind and tender to myself, whether that’s physically, mentally, or spiritually. More kindness and gentleness. And more levity.
With that, everything I put in my body these days I’m conscious about. I limit alcohol, and eat a more pescatarian diet to maintain my weight and continue to have optimal health. Part of this is because I have some hereditary challenges that I may be up against down the road. So to the best of my ability, I’m trying to take care of my older self now.
Q. Was there an event that motivated the change? Or did it happen gradually over time?
Well, I went to a reader and she said something about my future that alarmed me. Although I was very upset with her, at some level what she said lit a fire under me. That was my choice point. I decided no, that’s not going to happen. My grandmother, she read cards and had intuitive insights. She taught me something I truly hold onto: You have the power to change the trajectory of your life. During that time, I knew I was being unhealthy. It was during Covid, which was not the easiest time for me in a lot of ways.
I could have responded to this and made it emotional, but instead I elected to lean into the science. As a child, I always loved science, so I asked myself, if I take a more scientific approach and am kind to myself in all of this, what would that look like?
I enrolled in a six-week nutrition class. I learned about how proteins and carbohydrates interact in your body. I made choices based on what I learned. Because I leaned into the science, whether I gained weight or lost weight was less of an emotional roller coaster. It was more about curiosity and learning what impact foods had in my body. This fresh approach and new way of living led me to shed 50 pounds.
Q. So leaning into the science helped you be kinder to yourself?
Yes, absolutely.
Q. You mentioned being kinder to yourself emotionally as well as physically. Say more about the emotional component.
I have been kinder by incorporating more logic into my emotions. I firmly believe that emotions can guide me, but they do not need to be destructive. So, if I find myself in a spin, it means taking a step back to ask myself what is really going on.
I’m also trying to avoid long-term dissatisfaction. I was unsatisfied with where we were living in Chicago. And I disliked our lifestyle in Chicago. I felt like I had moved beyond that stage of my life. Yet, I allowed myself to be in the drama of it for a few years. As I made more lifestyle changes, I turned to my intuition as my guide. I asked myself what I really wanted and gave myself permission to explore. And that is what brought me here to Denver.
Q. You mentioned your grandmother having intuitive insights and teaching you that you could change the trajectory of your life. Tell me more about her. What was your relationship like?
I spent a lot of time with my grandmother growing up. We would play card games or Yahtzee and discuss winning strategies. She made learning really fun. I’d walk in the door, and she would put down her book and give me a big hug. I always knew she wanted to spend time with me, and I cherished that growing up.
My relationship with my grandmother was quite complex. During my early adult years, a disagreement arose when I stood up for a relative. Our relationship was never the same after that. This was heartbreaking because as a kid, I was really close to her.
Now I associate my grandmother with my own spirituality. She would not have defined it as spirituality, but she was an intuitive. She read cards. Not tarot cards, but a traditional deck of cards. As a young child, I was very interested in this. My grandmother promised me when I turned 21, she would read my cards, but not before.
I still read my cards weekly. I am very grateful to my grandmother for introducing non-traditional spiritual practices. She awakened spiritual curiosity in me.
Q. What was your relationship with spirituality when you were young?
My parents were Presbyterian, yet our family didn’t practice religion regularly.
Growing up, I was taught to never discuss religion, so I became very private about spirituality.
At ten, my spirituality was going for a walk in nature or searching for hours to try to find a four-leaf clover. I’ve always had a kinship with animals. Any chance I could get to be with an animal, I would take it.
During my teenage years, as soon as I could drive, I explored a variety of churches independently. I sat through each service and asked myself, does this feel right? Mostly I appreciated the morals underpinning the stories. I’d ponder, what’s the moral here? I could appreciate those. However, I felt like a hypocrite because I couldn’t comply with all the regulations. So, I developed my own spirituality—something that would work for me.
Q. What role do creative practices play in your life, both now and when you were younger?
I don’t know that anyone influenced my creativity. If anything, it seemed like people tried to downplay its significance. I remember making birthday cards for my family, only to be teased for misspelling a word. As a kid, my artwork and creativity were often labeled as "cute" or "adorable" by others. These descriptions did not feel particularly encouraging to me. However, that never deterred me. I persisted in making cards. I even had a logo. The logo included a tiny red heart, and I named it NICKMARK. The 'NICK' stands for Nicky, my childhood nickname.
Q. Ouch on the teasing for misspelling!
Yes, but it didn’t stop me. Ever since I was a child, I used creativity to express my care.
I made gifts, wrote poems, created jingles, and more. I still write poems for my husband, Andrew.
Q. If ten-year-old Nicole could tell you something today, what would it be?
Ten-year-old Nicole used to say, "Keep taking risks with your creativity, and carve out the time." I spent two to three nights a week in my bedroom, writing poetry, singing, and making up songs. I would sit and practice my poetry. My parents used to ask, "Don’t you want to watch TV?" And I would reply, "No, I am going to go to my room to work on a poem."
Currently, I am not carving out time for creative activities. This interview is inspiring me to shift that. I find it to be very healing, and part of my spirituality.
Q. What about your teenage self?
My teenage self would say, keep exploring, keep taking those risks, remember life can be fun. I was an explorer in my teenage years. As soon as I had keys to a car, I would pick up all my girlfriends and drive to downtown Chicago. A tad wild, perhaps, but mostly responsible. My teenage years were full of fun adventures.
In my late 20s and my 30s, I lost my spunk. I am a very energetic, vibrant human. In my early career, I felt like I was required to tame that to be successful. My teenage self would say to be on my own side in that.
Q. Are you reclaiming more of your spunk now?
Yes, when I hit 40, this was a huge shift. I decided I’m in this life for me. As a kid, I carved my own path, even in the face of rejection. I do feel I lost that for 10-15 years.
Q. In what ways are you becoming the person your younger self needed, if that resonates with you?
It does and it doesn’t. I think because of my childhood and my upbringing, I had to be my own adult in a lot of ways.
I was really hard on myself as a kid. I was my worst critic. Nothing was ever good enough, ever. If I got an A, it should have been an A+. My adult self is now always telling my younger self, You don’t need to work so hard. Make sure you have a balance of work and pleasure. It will be enough. It’s okay.
I’m going to circle all the way back to the beginning of the conversation, to the ways I’m being kinder to myself. During my teenage years, I had a memorable moment when I accidentally spilled something. I was upset because I knew how particular my mom was about her floors. Then my aunt calmly said, “You don’t need to cry over spilled milk.” Those words stopped me in my tracks because it was such a new perspective. Reflecting now, I see the profound impact that moment had on me. I’ve grown into the kind, gentle, caring adult I wish I had as a child.
I read this earlier in the week, wanted to comment, and then I don't know what happened. JeeWoo probably kicked me in the kidney or something. BUT...I love that this interview inspired her to carve out time for creative things again. I hope she follows through!! I can totally relate to not watching TV and just spending hours upon hours creating stuff in my quiet room. Ah! Yummy. I'm really looking forward to your reflections in the next post!!
Oh! And what's the format? Do you do this via email and then send follow-up questions or do you record and transcribe it? Love how it reads like a flowing convo.
Aww love this sweet conversation! :)